


ectoBiologist opened Memo “road trip time guys!! :B”

by HazelnutofFortune



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Coming of Age, Friendship, Humanstuck, Multi, Trans Roxy Lalonde, mild transphobia on john's part, teen romp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelnutofFortune/pseuds/HazelnutofFortune
Summary: EB: i just...EB: hey, vriska?EB: you wanna go on a cross-country road trip in your mom’s shitty old vw?
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, John Egbert & Vriska Serket, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert/Terezi Pyrope, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, background Dirk/Jake
Comments: 33
Kudos: 98





	1. Wow, That Was Spontaneous!

**Author's Note:**

> Haha. Formatting pesterlogs is basically the worst.

Your name is John Egbert and your dreams are terrifying. You dream in technicolor, in sharp figures and harsh black lines. Of dying, of weeping, of feeling more alone than you can remember. It fucking sucks.  
“Jesus Christ,” you say, when you wake up. “This fucking sucks.” (And it does, but at least your room is quiet and real. Sunlight filters through the window and it is your first free Monday since spring break. A bird chirps earnestly from the tree in your front yard. You wonder if its babies have yet left the nest. ) It looks like Vriska already messaged you earlier:

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

AG: Heeeeeeeey, John! 

AG: Turns out Ar8nea is somehow an even 8igger 8itch than the last time I saw her!!!!!!!! 

AG: Message me when you wake up. I have an angry rant coming on and I need a receptive audience. 

EB: this sucks!! 

AG: Oh hey. That was quicker than I thought. 

AG: Thanks, but I don’t need your pity. 

EB: no not your dumb sibling rivalry. i meant summer break! 

AG: Woooooooow, John!!!!!!!! 

AG: Sure, you can make fun of my ‘dum8 si8ling rivalry’, but the next time you message me asking me to get Terezi to ‘stop 8eing mean to you’ I will tell her. Faster. 

EB: that was literally one time in 8th grade, when are you going to get over that?? 

AG: Literally never, John. 

EB: anyway, we’re getting off topic here! 

AG: Right. Can you 8ELIEVE that this morning she told me to stop 8r8king magic 8 8alls???????? In my room, no less! 

EB: not what i meant by off topic, but okay! 

EB: also, what’s so bad about that? 

AG: Addiction is a terri8le thing, John. Just 8e glad your 8rain clearly isn’t advanced enough to be depend8nt on anything other than your am8zing friend Vriska’s suffering. 

AG: Anyway, since you soooooooo clearly have an IMPORT8NT conversational agenda, I guess I’m done. 

AG: For now. 

EB: sorry. now i feel kind of bad. 

AG: Whatever. Out with it, Egbert! 

EB: right... 

EB: do you ever get the sense that maybe we’re supposed to be doing something? 

EB: like, something important. 

AG: 8old of you to assume I’m not already doing something import8nt, but okay. 

AG: Yeah, actually. 

EB: well, i can’t stop thinking about it. 

EB: actually, maybe i’m depressed. 

AG: John, do you need me to come over you and play you a song on the world’s tiniest electric 8ass or something? 

EB: haha, you just picked a bass for that metaphor because it has an 8 in it. 

EB: also, i appreciate that genuine gesture of friendship sloppily hidden under your ‘bad girl’ exterior, but i’m fine. mostly. 

AG: Yeah, okay, I’m a total sap. Whatever. 

AG: And don’t even pretend that was supposed to be reassuring, because it wasn’t. 

EB: i just... 

EB: hey, vriska? 

EB: you wanna go on a cross-country road trip in your mom’s shitty old vw? 

AG: John. 3 Words. 

AG: Hell. Fucking. YES!!!!!!!! 

You pad downstairs on freshly socked feet. Your dad is making pancakes, and Jane is sitting at the table on video call with her gang of eccentric friends. You’re already thinking about how you’re going to break this road trip thing to them.  


“Good morning, buster. Don’t think you’re gonna get out of this one without saying hello!” Jane greets, gesturing to the live video call. You groan, little cousin style, but you both know it’s performative. She shoves the phone into your hands.  


Dirk is weird as always, but he reminds you too much of Dave for you to dislike him much. Jake is next to him on a couch somewhere so you guess they’re spending the summer at the ‘palpartment’ Jane talks about so much. You can’t say you blame them, given. Y’know. Anyway, Jake is nice, and family, and you like him fine, but someone in the background says “Wait, is that John??? Let me talk to him!” And you smile.  


Jade smiles, too, and tells you she’s staying in Texas with Jake and Dirk for a little while. It’s been hard on her, growing up like she has, and as much as the two of you love each other, you’ve only met in person twice. Flying back and forth from the Island is tough, and Bec doesn’t mind when Jake goes, but she can’t stay away too long or he’ll zap her back with the magic dog powers you’re still not fully sure are real.

  
She asks you how you are, and you say ‘fine’ but she frowns, and it makes you feel like shit. You know you have dark circles. She doesn’t question you further, though, probably because Jake and Dirk are right there and you’re still technically using Jane’s phone. You’re pretty sure she’ll grill you about it later. You hand the phone back to Jane and beg off talking to Roxy in a minute after he comes back from feeding Vodka Mutini. Talking to him has been weird since he transitioned. God you are such an asshole sometimes.  


So you sit down, and munch at your pancakes. Jane hangs up after a minute, and she’s disgustingly adorable about her love for her weird gang of pals. You and your friends should call more often. Which you guess is why all of this is so important to you, suddenly.  
“Hey guys,” You say. “I guess I’m leaving for a road trip tomorrow.”  
And your dad says yes.

ectoBiologist opened Memo “road trip time guys!! :B” 

TG: john let me just say before you can work your dorky magic and everybody somehow says yes to whatever bullshit youre about to propose 

TG: what the fuck 

CG: YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS GODFORSAKEN DAY WOULD COME, BUT I ACTUALLY AGREE WITH DAVE FOR ONCE. WHAT THE FUCK, JOHN? 

CG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME *YOU* STARTED A FUCKING MEMO? 

TG: i think it was that time he wanted everybody to rabb.it nic cage movies with him over winter break 

G: OH YEAH. THANKS DAVE. 

TG: ok now even i can admit this has gone too far 

TG: karkat this is an intervention 

TG: you gotta stop mackin on me bro 

TG: shits embarrassing 

CG: UGH. AND I AM SUDDENLY REMINDED WHY DAVE AND I NEVER TALK. 

CG: IT’S BECAUSE HE MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP OFF A FUCKING 50 STORY BUILDING AND PLUMMET TO MY CERTAIN DEATH. 

TG: bro what do you mean we never talk 

TG: this shits tight 

TG: ill catch you bro 

CG: YEAH, OKAY. I CAN SEE I’VE ONLY EMBARRASSED EVERYONE FURTHER. 

EB: are you guys done flirting now? 

TG: we werent flirting but ok 

CG: I COULD GO ON AT LENGTH ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE BOTH OF YOU, BUT IT’S REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING WHEN I HAVE TO ASK SOLLUX TO UNBLOCK ME FROM MEMOS HE’S NOT EVEN IN. 

CG: SO YES. 

EB: okay cool! 

EB: so you guys know how we live really far apart? 

TT: I believe we’re all well aware, John. 

TT: Though from the name of the memo and context clues alone it’s simply impossible to determine what it is you’re about to suggest. 

EB: can i please get to the point? 

GC: NO. 

GC: K33P MUDDL1NG 4BOUT AIML3SSLY 

GC: TH3 SOUND OF YOUR BLUND3R1NG BR1NGS T34RS TO 4 BL1ND G1RL’S T3ND3R, UNS331NG 3Y3S 

GC: 4S DO3S TH3 SM3LL OF YOUR D1SCOMFORT 

EB: jesus, terezi. 

EB: do you always have to be this fucking weird? 

GC: Y3S 

GC: STOP 4SKING RH3TOR1C4LS R1P3 FOR W31RD1NG OUT W33N13 BOYS 1F YOU DONT W4NT M3 TO T4LK 

GA: Yes Id Have To Agree With Terezi Here 

GA: She Simply Cannot Help Herself 

GA: To Suggest Otherwise Would Be Cruel 

EB: i never said you couldn’t talk! 

EB: maybe just lay off on the whole ‘the smell of your discomfort’ thing? 

GC: >;] 

GG: ok well now i’m really curious so yes get to the point john!! 

TG: oh hey jade 

TG: hey wait a second why the fuck did you add jade to a road trip memo thats clearly only people from north and central america 

TG: that shits just cruel 

GG: didn’t you hear dave? i’m staying with dirk and jake in texas for a few weeks! 

TG: oh shit 

TG: we should meet up 

EB: if you’d all just listen for literally one second you would know that’s what i’m trying to talk about!! 

AG: Actually, John, I can take it from here. 

AG: As John was about to say, all of you are cripplingly lonely. As the de facto leaders of our little group, we’ve come up with a plan. 

AG: Whether you like it or not, John and I are going to drive to your house, pick you up, and bring you on the teen adventure of a lifetime. 

AG: There will 8e karaoke, there will 8e snacks, and yes, there will almost certainly 8e drama. Any questions? 

TT: Yes, actually. 

TT: Given that John and I live on exactly opposite ends of the country, perhaps my house should be the destination instead of a pitstop? 

TT: I can guarantee my mother would be more than thrilled to host. 

EB: that sounds like a great idea, rose! 

EB: although maybe you should ask your mom before you commit. 

TT: I just texted her. 

TT: She responded ‘heel yeas’ after less than 10 seconds. I assume this is a positive. 

GA: That Sounds Lovely Rose 

GA: I Would Be Delighted To Meet Her And Roxy In Person For The First Time 

GA: However 

GA: I Do Have To Ask How You Plan On Picking Up Karkat and Terezi 

GA: Seeing As I Just Did A Cursory Google Search And It Seems The Driving Time Between My Area And Costa Rica Is And I Quote “Way Too Fucking Long” 

CG: I WAS ABOUT TO ASK THE SAME THING, BUT THEN I REALIZED THESE DOUCHEBAGS PROBABLY WANT US TO FLY UP TO YOUR HOUSE. 

GA: I Can Certainly Host For A Few Days But Perhaps We Should Ask Vriska If This Was Truly What She Intended 

AG: Ok, yeah. Sue me. I didn’t actually plan on making John drive aaaaaaaall the way down to San Jose to pick you up. 

GC: K4RK4T 1F MON3Y 1S WH4T YOUR3 WORR13D 4BOUT 1 C4N P4Y FOR YOUR T1CK3T 

CG: FUCK YOU FOR AIRING MY PERSONAL ISSUES IN FRONT OF MOST OF OUR FRIENDS. 

CG: BUT THANKS, TEREZI. 

AG: Looks like that’s all settled, then. The itinerary is obviously Dave, Jade, Kanaya and Co., and then Rose. Same order on the way back. 

AG: That makes 8 of us :::;) 

AG: Exactly the mass carrying capacity of ol’ Mindfang!!!!!!!! 

TG: who the fuck is mindfang 

EB: dave, you don’t know who mindfang is? 

EB: it’s vriska’s mom’s van, obviously! 

TG: uh huh 

TG: totally obvious cant believe i didnt get that pronto 

TG: but i think ill stick with ‘vriskas moms van’ 

TG: has a nice ring to it dont you think terezi 

GC: 4CTU4LLY D4V3 1 TH1NK 1 PR3F3R M1NDF4NG 

GG: see you soon guys!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Concrit appreciated!! Also, look forward to a lot of Vriska next chapter ::::)


	2. It's Vriska All The Way Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our adventure begins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I finally figured out the formatting, which is pretty cool! If a conversation ends with a 'so n so stopped messaging whomever' bit, then that's the end of the conversation. If not, then it is Ambiguous.

Vriska pulls up bright and early the next morning. Too early, actually. When you check your phone to see why the fuck she’s honking at you at literally 6 AM she’s messaged you like 10 times:

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

AG: Soooooooo........ 

AG: Turns out we’re getting an even 8righter and earlier start than anticip8ted!!!!!!!! 

AG: Isn’t that GR8, John???????? 

AG: Not like I’m stressing or anything. 

AG: Everything is PERF8CTLY FINE, HAHA. 

AG: I’m outside, John!!!!!!!! 

AG: Just to 8e clear, I’m going to keep honking ether until you get your skinny ass out of 8ed or until one of your n8bors calls the cops. 

EB: ok, ok! 

EB: hold your horses, i’m getting up. 

EB: and stop honking! 

AG: Sorry a8out all this, John. 

AG: Well, not really. 8ut maybe I wish I was just 8eing inconsider8 this time. 

EB: vriska, you don’t sound okay. 

EB: at all. 

AG: Just hurry up, John. 

So you hurry up and get your skinny ass out of bed. You leave a note for your Dad and sprint out the door with a piece of toast in your mouth and your bag in hand like an anime girl.  
Vriska is in Mindfang’s driver seat, heater blasting, and she appears to be taking advantage of Terezi’s superior time zone to message her, judging by the glimpse of teal text you see on her phone. They must be boarding on their incredibly last minute flight soon, you think (the only possible reason either would be awake this early), and the thought of meeting Terezi and Karkat in person makes your heart swell a little.  
“Vriska,” you say, and she startles. “What happened?”  
“Spidermom is a bitch. I stole the car. For once, I actually don’t want to talk about it. Is that enough for you?” She pockets the phone as she says this, giving you her undivided attention. Scary.  
“Yes,” You say, and you smile and slide into shotgun. 

Just like a chicken breast, it takes a couple of hours for Vriska to fully defrost, so in the meantime you message Rose.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

EB: hey rose!!! 

EB: excited to see your giiiiiirlfriend?? 

TT: While I fail to see why you’re messaging me about this first thing in the morning... 

TT: Yes. Absolutely. 

EB: awww!! 

EB: also, it’s actually 6 am here, so you don’t get to complain. 

TT: Despite what you may think, John, I know about timezones. 

TT: What’s up? 

TT: While I appreciate your interest, you don’t usually message me to ask questions about Kanaya you already know the answer to. 

TT: In fact, I am almost certain this is the first time you’ve done so. 

EB: well… 

EB: something happened with vriska’s mom. so we left early. 

TT: Interesting. 

TT: Permit me one question, John. 

TT: Did Vriska get permission to use The Marquise for this trip? 

EB: the marquise? 

TT: Sorry. Kanaya told me that Mindfang’s full name used to be The Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, and I got a little attached. 

EB: oh haha, yeah.. 

EB: so about that. 

EB: no. 

TT: You messaged me for a reason. 

TT: Was it to talk about that? 

EB: not really. 

EB: vriska’s kind of just defrosting right now, so i wanted somebody to talk to. 

TT: Defrosting? 

EB: you know. like a chicken breast after you take it out of the freezer? it usually takes a couple of hours. 

TT: So Vriska’s house is the freezer in this metaphor, then? 

EB: uhhh...yeah? 

EB: listen, rose, usually i’d be fully on board with this kind of semantic bullshit. 

EB: but i’m kind of tired. 

TT: Nightmares? 

EB: yeah, actually. 

EB: how’d you guess? 

TT: Let’s just say it was a hunch. 

TT: And by a hunch I mean that you told me you’d been struggling with them on Friday. 

TT: Are you alright, John? 

Are you alright? You stop to contemplate.

EB: yeah. i think so. 

EB: are you? 

TT: In which way do you suspect I might not be? 

EB: well i don’t know. 

EB: maybe your mom is freaking out getting ready to host and you’re feeling overwhelmed? 

TT: For someone capable of being so unobservant at times, you can also be truly insightful. 

TT: And by that I mean “you’re right”. 

EB: thanks! 

EB: i think? 

TT: Take it as a compliment. 

EB: if you say so! 

EB: how is roxy doing? 

TT: I find it hilarious that you refuse to message him yourself, but you periodically check in on him as though he’s a houseplant in my care. 

TT: Nothing about him has changed, and if you’re actually concerned about him, you can ask him yourself. 

TT: He’s still a dude. 

EB: that’s not why i ask about him and you know it!! he’s my friend! 

TT: Then why don’t you message him? 

TT: I don’t exist to be your middleman. 

EB: jeeze, rose! calm down. 

TT: Sorry. I suppose that was a little acerbic of me. 

TT: I’ve been more protective of late, which is hypocritical. 

TT: What I mean to say is this- why did you stop messaging him a few months ago? 

TT: He was hurt. 

TT: The last time I asked the question, you dodged by telling me it was just ‘awkward’, and I let it be, because I expected you to sort out whatever was holding you back on your own, because you’re a big boy. 

EB: i’ve been messaging him! 

TT: Very occasionally. 

EB: i’ll message him right now!!! 

EB: you can ask him!! 

TT: Good. 

TT: I wouldn’t want this conversation to end on a hostile note. 

Suddenly you feel a little like you’ve been manipulated. Rose is good at that.

EB: me neither. 

EB: i hope your mom chills out a little. 

TT: That’s very unlikely, since she’s a neurotic bitch just like I am. 

TT: But I appreciate the gesture. 

EB: haha! 

EB: see you soon, rose! 

TT: And you as well. 

ectoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

You glance at Vriska. You’re now long outside your suburb. She looks totally engaged with driving, which strikes you as odd. Usually when she’s upset she does something dramatic and self-destructive in a fit of pique. Actually, maybe stealing the car satisfied that urge?

“What’s up?” She asks. Oh yeah, you were staring directly at her.  
“Do you want some music?” You ask.  
“As long as it’s not that dumb Nic Cage song, sure.”  
So you put on some classic rock hits. It’s the kind of thing Vriska loves, and she starts humming along instantly. It feels like you just put the chicken breast in the microwave. Your chest fills with warmth.

ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] 

EB: hey roxy!! 

TG: sup 

EB: not much, honestly! i just wanted to say hi. 

TG: hi!! 

EB: hi! 

EB: that was easy. 

TG: ok great since that was all u wanted to say i guess this convo is over then bye john 

EB: yep, guess i’d better go! 

TG: (jk jk) 

TG: hows that whole road trip thing going 

EB: pretty well! 

EB: we left a little early, but that’s a good thing. 

TG: literally how 

EB: it means we’ll get there faster! 

TG: bro 

TG: isn’t the whole point of a road trip to focus on the journey not the destination? 

EB: well, yeah. 

EB: i was just trying to think on the positive side. 

EB: jeeze, roxy. 

TG: jeeeeeeze, john!! 

TG: roadtripping is srs business u cant b slacking off like this 

EB: obviously, i’m uneducated. 

EB: good thing you’re here to inform me on the proper procedure! 

TG: yeah i cant even imagine where ud b without me 

TG: im like the road trip equivalent of the hacker on the other side of the earpiece givin u spy advice 

TG: *leet haxxer boy voice* im in 

EB: in where?? 

TG: in ur car stereo putting on the 80sest poppiest playlist ever 

TG: aka the only only correct music for the occasion 

EB: is classic rock acceptable? 

TG: i GUESS 

TG: i can stretch the rules for you just this once 

EB: :B 

TG: :3 

Later, after you’ve taken your turn in the driver’s side and retired again and the sun is starting to meander vaguely downwards, Terezi messages you.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

GC: JOHN DO YOU H4V3 4NY 1D34 HOW H4RD 1T 1S TO FLY BL1ND? 

GC: FUCK YOU FOR M4K1NG M3 GO THROUGH TH4T 

EB: what, like you couldn’t find the right terminal with your magic smell-o-vision? 

GC: MY M4G1C SM3LL O V1S1ON ONLY WORKS 1F TH3R3S L3SS TH4N 30 OR SO P3OPLE 

GC: WH1CH YOU W1LL KNOW 1F YOU H4V3 3V3R B33N TO TH3 4IRPORT 1S NOT TH3 C4S3 TH3R3 

GC: K4RK4T H4D TO GUID3 M3 3V3RYWH3R3 L1K3 PYR4LSP1T3 WHO I D3C1D3D NOT TO BR1NG 

GC: BUT I W4S B31NG STUP1D WH3N I D3C1D3D TH4T 

GC: 4NYW4Y TH1S 1S YOUR F4ULT 

EB: uhh. sorry? 

EB: now i actually feel pretty bad. 

GC: H4H4H4H4 

GC: GOOD. 

EB: :/B 

EB: so you’re at kanaya’s house now? 

GC: NOT Y3T 

GC: H3R HOT MOM JUST P1CK3D US UP FROM THE 4IRPORT 

EB: terezi!! you sound like dave! 

EB: you can’t just call people’s moms hot! 

GC: 1M SORRY JOHN 1TS JUST A F4CT 

GC: K4N4Y4S HOT MOM 1S HOT AND YOU 4R3 4 W33N13 

GC: 4 CUT3 W33N13 >;] 

EB: all this talk about weenies makes me feel like you’re about to cook me on a george foreman grill or something. not a fan. 

GC: 1 COULD US3 A P4N 1NST34D 1F YOU W4NT 

EB: :/B 

EB: i never use that face, but you’re forcing my hand, terezi. 

GC: 1 L1K3 TH4T F4C3 

EB: of course you would. 

GC: JOHN 4S MUCH 4S 1 4M 3NJOY1NG M4K1NG FUN OF YOU 

GC: TH4T W4S NOT TH3 ONLY R34SON 1 M3SS4G3D YOU 

GC: 1S VR1SK4 DO1NG B3TT3R? 

EB: yeah, i think so? 

EB: i gave her my happy meal toy when we stopped at mcdonalds earlier, and i think that cheered her up. 

GC: WH4T W4S 1T 

EB: what? 

GC: TH3 H4PPY M3AL TOY, JOHN. WH4T W4S 1T? 

EB: oh. it was rainbow dash. 

GC: JOHN YOU 4R3 4 COMPOT3NT FR13ND 

GC: R41NBOW D4SH 1S VR1SKA’S F4VOR1T3 PONY 

EB: how do you know that but not me? i’m basically her best friend. 

GC: JOHN. 

GC: 1 4M D3F1N1T3LY VR1SK4’S B3ST FR1END. 1T’S M3 

EB: no way, dude! when was the last time you even saw her? 

GC: N3V3R, JOHN. 1M BL1ND 

EB: see! 

GC: OK W3LL NOW YOUR3 JUST RUBB1NG 1T 1N 

EB: haha, yeah. 

GC: DONT L4UGH 4T MY D1S4B1L1TY, JOHN 

EB: oh come on. i know you don't care. 

EB: that might have gotten me literally the first time you said it. 

GC: YOU WOULD B3 BOR1NG 1F YOU W3R3 4LW4YS TH4T GULL1BL3 

GC: SO 1 GU3SS 1TS OK 

GC: 1 W1LL H4V3 LOTS OF TR1CKS TO PL4Y ON YOU WH3N W3 M33T 1N P3RSON >:] 

That night, you and Vriska lay your bedrolls and sleeping bags out on opposite sides of the van’s cold floor and shiver until Vriska says, “Oh fuck it,” and pushes your sleeping bags together.  
You feel her warm breath hit your face and you giggle a little.  
Vriska groans, like she’s really done with your antics this time, but you poke her in the shoulder and suddenly you’re laughing together. You soak in it for a minute before you turn to face the ceiling a little suddenly and take on a solemn expression. Vriska, somehow suggestible in the dim light of your battery-powered lantern, follows suit.  
“Hey, Vriska,” You say, because being friends with Vriska is one of the better things that’s happened to you, and because you feel warm and buoyant now, “Truth or dare?”  
She snorts. “This is so stupid.” And then, “Dare.”  
Shit. Of course Vriska would pick dare. She always picks dare. There’s literally nothing you can do with this right now.  
“Uhhhhh……” You wrack your brain.You end up with: “I dare you to give Karkat a hug when we meet them at Kanaya’s,” Weak.  
“Weak,” She says. “But sure.”  
“Not weak! He’ll probably hit you.”  
“And if he does, then I can cover the bruise with one of those bandaids for fingertips,” She says, putting on that tone of deep judgment she loves so much. “Truth or dare.”  
You’re a wimp. “Truth.”  
Vriska goes in for the kill. “Do you like Terezi?”  
You swallow. “Do you?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Yeah, I think so.”  
She seems to consider this for a second. “She likes both of us, but I’m kind of a terrible person. If she decides to date you and not me, I’m okay with that. I might be a bitch for a little while, but I won’t hold a grudge.”  
“You’re not a terrible person,” You say. “And I’d be okay with that, too. The other way around, I mean.” You’re lying a little.  
“I wish she could just date both of us,” Vriska says.  
“Yeah,” You say, and you don’t think you’re lying this time.  
You fall asleep talking to her. It’s the kind of intimate a lonely person like you or her can’t help but hold onto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Concrit appreciated as always :)


	3. The Big Guns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, John and Vriska are probably doing something boring, like driving through Idaho or Utah or something, so you get to be Dave for a little while. Don’t take this privilege lightly.

Your name is Dave Strider. You’re 17 years old and you’re watching your friend Jade crane her neck out of the car like a dog. You’re honestly surprised she’s not sticking her tongue out.  
Dirk and Jake are chatting quietly in the front seat. You think they’re talking about you and Jade, but it’s hard to hear over the sound of the wind.  
Being kidnapped is nice. Your bro definitely won’t report it to anybody, but that’s basically what this is. Nobody is looking at you, so you allow yourself a little smile at the thrill of it. Actually, you’re basically grinning, but the feel of the wind on your face and the presence of two of your favorite people has you feeling a little looser than usual. God you love Jake’s ugly fucking convertible.  
Jade turns to look at you and you relax your face, but there’s no way she didn’t catch that.  
“Having fun, Dave?” she asks, and she’s both teasing you and asking you a real question. It’s really fucking weird seeing her in person.  
“Yeah,” you say. You are.

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

TG: hey rose have you ever been kidnapped 

TG: asking for a friend 

TT: Well this is auspicious beginning to any conversation. 

TT: But no. 

TG: you should try it sometime 

TG: this shit is sicker than jaspers that time he ate a magnet 

TT: Oh dear. That is pretty sick. 

TG: fuck yeah it is 

TG: 

[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/505aa9301f5239d9107f92416b0b7de6/e07280243277b7e7-92/s540x810/ab6efc1cf8e8740dcacda449fa94457ab1a2a1af.png)

TT: You look happy. Tell Jade to kidnap you responsibly. 

TG: will dPOSOXPZXSKLSL 

turntechGodhead [TG] turned into gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: hi rose! 

TT: Hello, Jade. 

TT: What’s this about a kidnapping? 

GG: oh yeah. 

GG: dirk and jake and i broke dave out of his shitty house and he’s staying with us until john and vriska get here :D!!!!! 

TT: Then, and please don’t screencap this out of context, I suppose this is the kind of kidnapping I approve of. 

TT: This should be good for him. 

TT: And for you. 

GG: it is! we’re already having so much fun!! 

TT: Somebody’s zealous. 

GG: of course i’m zealous! i grew up on a deserted island with pretty much only a dog for company. 

TT: Giving Jake a lot of credit here, I see. 

GG: i asiuxdskddkld 

gardenGnostic [GG] turned into turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: ok so thats enough talking about me 

TT: We weren’t talking about you. You can literally scroll up 2 inches and see that we were talking about Jade’s childhood. 

TG: excuses 

TG: that is definitely coded language and you were talking about how i have a secret phallice obsession again 

TT: It’s interesting how you claim to hate this topic, but you turn our conversations in this direction very frequently. 

TG: ok jesus christ youre right this time 

TG: why do i do this to myself 

TT: I have asked myself this question before. 

TT: But it’s not one science has yet been able to answer. 

TT: It seems your brain is so cool that all particle motion ceases there. 

TG: jesus burn 

TG: whatd i do to deserve that one 

TG: these arent ordinary burns these are 3rd degree burns 

TG: i look like zuko now is that what you want 

TT: As I recall, you find Zuko to be rather charming, so I don’t see why you take issue with that. 

TG: oh stfu rose i know you had a crush on azula 

TT: So? 

TT: You’re deflecting, Dave. 

TT: To quote yourself the time you accidentally ate three of your brother’s edibles: “zuko is so fukign hot rose i stg’ 

TG: cmon rose whyd you have to bring that up 

TG: you get mad every time i bring up your drunk rant about apples, but you can apparently humiliate me to your hearts content 

TG: seems like a double standard 

TT: That’s because I had a problem, Dave. 

TT: You know this. Don’t be a dick. 

TG: yeah ok 

TG: sorry 

TT: You’re forgiven. 

TT: I have to go and engage in what certain individuals might call ‘brunch on the town’ with my mother and Roxy, but if you need to humilated further later, message me. 

TG: tell rox i said hi 

TT: I will. Goodbye, Dave. 

TG: bye rose 

tentacleTherapist [TT] stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You pull up at Dirk and Jake’s apartment and sling your backpack over your shoulder. You’ve been here plenty- it’s not far from your house, and you’ve visited to play mario cart with Dirk and his friends more times than you can count. This feels totally different, though. (Bro didn’t like it when you slept over, but he’s not here, and you feel another private thrill.)  
You dump your backpack in what’s usually Roxy’s room and fall back on the bed with the drama of a broadway starlet.  
You don’t remember conking out, but there’s a knock at the door and you wake with a start. You scramble to your feet and get it, surprised when it’s Jake.  
“Oh, sorry,” he says. “Did I wake you from the old forty winks?”  
“Not a big deal, man,” you say, because you’re too tired to give him shit. “What’s up?”  
“There’s pizza,” and wow you didn’t realize how hungry you were until this moment exactly. “You like pesto, right?” And yeah, you do. You didn’t realize Jake English knew your pizza order by heart.  
“Uh, yeah,” you say, and make your way into the living room, where the four of you gather around the dining room table like a family or some shit. It’s honestly a little embarrassing how much you like this.  
“Dave,” Jade says from in between bites so large you worry she’ll choke, “You wanna play board games after dinner?” And boy, do you.  
You say yes, but then excuse yourself, cry in the bathroom, and wipe roughly at your red eyes and stare at yourself in the mirror for what feels like way too long. You’re still in the middle of looking introspectively at yourself when Terezi messages you.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] 

GC: D4V3 OH MY GOD 

GC: YOU WONT B3L13V3 WH4T K4RK4T JUST D1D 

TG: sup terezi 

TG: totally cool over here so glad you asked 

TG: so cool weve reached absolute zero 

TG: all particle motion has ceased 

TG: im chill about it though not like i wanted those particles to move or anything 

GC: SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT TH1S 1S T3LL1NG M3 YOU 4R3 4CTU4LLY 3V3N W4RM3R TH4N USU4L 

GC: BUT TH4T 1S BOR1NG SO 1 4M GO1NG TO T3LL YOU 4BOUT WH4T K4RK4T JUST D1D 1NST34D OF 1NV1T1NG YOU TO 3L4BOR4T3 

TG: nice 

TG: my eyes are dry as fuck because i havent been crying and i am ready to recieve this knowledge 

GC: GOOD 

GC: W3 W3R3 4T 4 N1CE R3ST4UR4NT 4ND K4RK4T W4S CR1M1N4LLY UND3RDR3SSED 

GC: UNL1K3 M3 B3C4US3 4 TRU3 PROS3CUTOR KNOWS TO BR1NG H3R SU1T 3V3RYWH3R3 

TG: man sometimes i wish i could see one of your mock trial competitions 

TG: i bet you kick ass 

GC: 1 DO D4V3 BUT TH1S 1S B3S1D3S TH3 PO1NT 

GC: 4NYW4Y K4RK4T 1S ROCK1NG H1S CH41R B4CK 4ND FORTH B3C4US3 H3 C4NT H4NDL3 TH3 H34T 4ND H3S G3TT1NG F1DG3TY 

TG: are you just gonna tell me about karkats various nervous tics because as much as thats entertaining i have a busy schedule over here 

TG: and by that i mean i need to sneak into my room and get a new shirt because when i was splashing my face with stop-crying water i literally fucking soaked this one 

GC: 1 4M G3TT1NG TH3R3 D4V3 

You let her type for a second and shove your phone in your pocket. You sneak down the hall with the skill of a practiced ninja and swap your shirt out.  
You make your way down into the dining room with your most patented poker face. The perfect crime.  
Dirk squints at you. “What’s up with the new shirt?”  
You shrug. This continues to be the perfect crime.

GC: 4NYW4Y SO 1F H3 DO3SNT COM3 B4CK SOON K4N4Y4S HOT MOM S4YS W3 SHOULD L34V3 

GC: D4V3 4R3 YOU L1ST3N1NG TO M3 

TG: mmhmm yep totally ive been listening this whole time 

TG: not like i just had my brother take me aside and sincerely ask me about my wellbeing 

GC: 1 THOUGHT YOUR BROTHER D1DNT DO STUFF L1K3 TH4T 

TG: no this is the other one 

TG: im staying with dirk until john gets here 

TG: its 

TG: kind of great actually? 

GC: 1F 1TS SO GR34T WHY D1D YOU SP3ND TH1S 3NT1R3 CONV3RS4T1ON COMPL41N1NG 1NST34D OF M4K1NG FUN OF K4RK4T FOR F4LL1NG ON H1S 4SS 1N FRONT OF TH3 ENT1R3 R3ST4UR4NT 

TG: wow he did that youre right i wasnt listening 

TG: maybe its because its too nice 

TG: i guess im just not really used to feeling like this 

GC: OH H3Y K4RK4T 1S B4CK 

GC: 4LSO 

GC: 1M SORRY YOUR BROTH3R SUCKS 

TG: thanks coming from you thats a lot 

TG: make fun of karkat extra for me 

GC: H4H4H4H4H4 

GC: >:] 1 W1LL 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Board games are fun. As always, Dirk absolutely dominates at scrabble, but you’re in hot pursuit the whole game. One of these days, you’re gonna beat him.  
Jake is in the middle of cheating at shoots and ladders when you decide to message Karkat. Maybe just to tease him about his earlier embarrassment.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TG: hey karkat i heard about how you did a sick pirouette off the handle earlier bro 

TG: i thought that was my thing 

CG: THANKS FOR RUBBING IT THE FUCK IN, STRIDER. 

CG: DEFINITELY NEEDED THIS MESSAGE IN ADDITION TO THE EMBARRASSMENT OF THE EVENT ITSELF AND THE THOROUGH RIBBING I RECEIVED FROM TEREZI AFTERWARDS! 

TG: ooh strider dont think youve called me that one in a while 

TG: ...vantas 

CG: DON’T CALL ME VANTAS. 

CG: I’VE FULLY ACCEPTED MY IDENTITY AS KARKAT DOUCHECANOE, RUINER OF ALL NICE AND HOLY THINGS. 

TG: man cmon 

TG: theres no way it was actually that bad 

CG: YOU DIDN’T SEE THE DOLOROSA’S FACE. 

TG: the dolorosa 

CG: KANAYA’S HOT MOM. 

TG: is she actually that hot 

CG: WHATEVER. THE POINT HERE IS THAT SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY DISAPPOINTED THAT I RUINED THE NICE DINNER SHE HAD PLANNED. 

TG: then apologize or something 

TG: dont just stew in your self hatred you know that shit aint productive 

TG: wait when did this become me giving you advice 

CG: NEVER, BECAUSE I KNOW ALL OF THAT ALREADY AND I’M PLANNING AN APOLOGY. 

CG: KANAYA AND I ARE GOING TO PICK HER UP SOME FLOWERS TOMORROW. 

TG: damn youre really gonna sweep her off her feet huh 

TG: didnt know you were into milfs karkat 

CG: I’M NOT. THAT’S YOU. 

TG: sounds like somebodys projecting here 

CG: YEAH, AND HIS NAME IS DAVE STRIDER. 

TG: ok ok i can tell youre sensitive about this so ill lay off 

CG: I’M NOT, BUT ANY RELEASE FROM THE BULLSHIT SPEWING FROM YOUR KEYBOARD AT ALL TIMES IS A PLEASURE. 

TG: man you could not have phrased that any more sexually huh 

TG: what am i saying this is like an sport for you 

TG: karkat wins another gold medal at the innuendo olympics and the crowd goes wild with glee 

CG: YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SPORTS, DO YOU? 

TG: and you do 

TG: I USED TO DO LITTLE LEAGUE, SO PROBABLY, YEAH. 

TG: holy shit you did 

TG: whyd u stop 

CG: BECAUSE I FUCKING SUCKED AT IT. 

CG: AND I HATED IT. 

CG: AND BASEBALL IS NOT VERY POPULAR HERE. 

TG: literally tragic 

TG: we should play baseball at roses house 

CG: THAT IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST FUCKING THING I CAN IMAGINE. 

CG: GOOD JOB. YOU FOUND IT. 

TG: nice 

TG: ok gotta go jade wants to play a round of BS before she goes to bed at 11 pm for some reason 

CG: GOOD NIGHT, DAVE. I HOPE MY NIGHTMARES ABOUT TODAY’S EVENTS SOMEHOW LEECH INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS SO YOU SUFFER AS MUCH AS I DO. 

TG: thats a pretty complicated way of saying dream of me but ok guess i will 

turntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: sleep well bro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. Embedding that picture was tricky business. Here's my tumblr in case you'd like to see more of my art:  
> https://fortunatehazelnut.tumblr.com/


	4. I Love Girls Have I Mentioned That Yet

Well, okay. Maybe you can be Kanaya, too. But just for A Little While.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam. You’re 17 years old and you promised Karkat you’d help him pick out flowers for your mother this morning as an apology for earlier behavior. You can’t do that right now, though, because he’s taking an unusually long time to get ready. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: Hello Rose   
GA: I Know You Are Probably Still Asleep But I Thought I Would Leave You A Message   
GA: Good Morning To The Rose Of The Near Future  
GA: Love Kanaya Of The Recent Past  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] stopped pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

You think you’ve really improved at the whole ‘romance’ thing since you and Rose started dating and you stopped pining after a certain unavailable Serket. Unfortunately, Rose sleeps late, and she’s only an hour ahead of you, so she’s unable to appreciate your romance right now. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GA: Hello Jade  
GA: Are You Awake  
GG: yes!!!!  
GG: its going to be a couple days until my circadian rhythm adjusts so i am very awake and very very bored right now!  
GG: dave and jake are asleep and dirk is soldering a robot which would be cool but hes soooo awkward whenever i try to help D:  
GA: I Am Glad You Are Awake Even If It Is An Inconvenience To You  
GA: I Am Waiting For Karkat To Apply Eyeliner It Is Excruciating  
GG: haha karkat wears eyeliner??  
GA: Yes  
GA: Not As Much As During His Goth Phase But He Does  
GG: i remember karkats goth phase  
GG: i still dont get why thats embarrassing!!  
GA: One Cannot Account For Taste  
GG: heeeeyy!  
GG: i have such a good fashion sense   
GG: youll be blown away when we meet up!!  
GA: I Am Looking Forward To It   
GG: me too!  
GG: sometimes it seems so weird that ive never met most of my friends……  
GG: but thats all going to change in a couple days!!  
GA: Yes   
GA: To Be Honest The Thought Is Slightly Overwhelming  
GG: ...yeah  
GG: but if any of us gets overwhelmed we all have each other!!!  
GA: That Is True  
GA: To Be Honest I Am Worried About You Most  
GG: awww!  
GG: trust me though ill be fine :)  
GA: Will You  
GA: Okay Sorry That Sounded Sarcastic  
GG: yeah kanaya it really did >:(  
GG: i have to go now because jake just woke up and apparently we are going to waffle house!!  
GA: Have You Never Been To A Waffle House  
GG: nope!!  
GA: Wow  
GG: dont patronize me its rude!  
GG: anyway bye kanaya!  
GG: love you!! <3 <3  
GA: And You As Well  
GA: <3  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] stopped pestering  gardenGnostic [GG] 

You’ve talked to Rose about it before, but Jade is just your platonic friend. Mostly. You wonder what seeing her will be like and if that will change anything. You’re blushing when Karkat finally comes downstairs.  
Magnanimously ignoring your flushed face, Karkat tells you that John and Vriska will be here tonight.  
“So be ready to deal with the spiderbitch, I guess.” You smile.  
“I’ve been over her for years, Karkat.”  
“Yeah, yeah. Just tell me if you ever need a reason to tap out. I can always fake a panic attack.” And you know he would. He’s done it for you before.  
“Of course,” you say, and grab your keys. “Thank you.”  
You drive the both of you to the farmer’s market. Karkat thinks you’re an awful driver, and holds no guilt for telling you so near-constantly. Your consolation is that Karkat cannot drive at all.  
You wish you had the opportunity to spend more time with him like this, because he is in all honesty probably your best friend if you’re not including Rose. He picks out sunflowers with your approval, and you decide to get breakfast while you’re there. You’re waiting in line for overpriced farmer’s market bread when Terezi messages you.  


gallowsCalibrator [GC]  began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GC: H3Y WH3R3 TH3 FUCK 4R3 YOU GUYS  
GC:>:/  
GA: We Are At The Farmers Market Getting Breakfast  
GA: Would You Like Something  
GA: They Have Crepes  
GC: OH 1 S33 HOW 1T 1S. L34V1NG TH3 BL1ND G1RL B3H1ND  
GC: 4ND Y3S C4N YOU G3T M3 SOM3 W1TH STR4WB3RR13S   
GA: Yes We Cruelly Left You Behind To Get Another Two Hours Of Sleep  
GA: And Now We Are Buying You Strawberry Crepes  
GA: The Betrayal  
GC: Y3S!!  
GC: NOW 1 4M STUCK 4T YOUR HOUS3 4LON3 S1NC3 YOUR HOT MOM 4LR34DY L3FT FOR WORK  
GA: Why Do You Persist In Calling My Mother Hot  
GC: 3V3RYBODY 3LS3 C4LLS H3R HOT TOO TH3Y JUST DONT S4Y 1T TO YOUR F4C3   
GC: B3S1D3S TH4T JUST M34NS YOU H4V3 GOOD G3N3S   
GA: And Yet Somehow I Do Not Find It All That Flattering   
GC: 1 B3T YOU WOULD 1F ROS3 S41D 1T   
GC:TT: “Kanaya, your mother is positively charming. Perhaps this has something to do with why you are so lovely?”   
GA: Your Rose Impression Is Not Very Convincing  
GC: Y3S 1T 1S   
GA: No It Isnt   
GC: Y3S   
GA: No   


It looks like Rose is messaging you right now, actually. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA] 

TT: Good morning.   
TT: Kanaya, your mother is positively charming. Perhaps this has something to do with why you are so lovely?   
GA: Oh Come On   


You stifle a laugh and grab your bread. The seller looks oddly at you. 

GA: Terezi Really That Doesnt Even Make Sense   
GA: It has Been Months Since Rose Last Saw My Mother You Put Her Up To This It Is Certain   
GC: PUT ROS3 UP TO WH4T?  
GC: 1 H4V3 NO 1D3A WH4T 4LL TH4T D3L1C1OUS K1W1 FL4VOR3D T3XT 1S TRY1NG TO 4CCUS3 M3 OF  


Your phone buzzes again. You expect it to be Rose, but it’s actually Karkat. Oh god. How are you supposed to handle all of these conversations at once. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT OVER THERE?  
CG: I’M BUSTING MY ASS TRYING TO HAGGLE DOWN THIS OVERPRICED FUCKING BISCOTTI AND YOU’RE JUST STANDING OVER THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALKWAY CLUTCHING YOUR BAGUETTE AND GIGGLING.  
GA: Its A Very Nice Baguette   
GA: Also Would You Like Some Crepes Terezi Requested Strawberry  
CG: STOP MESSAGING TEREZI.  
CG: AND RASPBERRY.  
CG: PLEASE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: Rose  
TT: Yes, darling?  
GA: Why Did You Let Terezi Put You Up To This  
GA: Besides Your Natural Mischievous Nature  
TT: Put me up to what? I have no idea what that delicious kiwi-flavored text is trying to accuse me of.  
TT: My own girlfriend harboring suspicions about my intent!  
TT: Also, I think you answered your own question.  
GA: Le Sign  
GA: I Need To Go Buy Some Crepes Or Karkat Will Do It Himself And Half The Vendors Here Already Hate Him  
GA: I Cannot Handle Being Banned From The Crepe Stand  
GA: I Love You  
TT:...  
TT: I appreciated the message you left for me this morning.  
TT: I’m very fond of you. I’m sorry I can’t say it like that yet.  
GA: That Is Okay Rose  
GA: See You Soon  
TT: Goodbye, Kanaya. Talk to you later.  
TT: <3  
GA: :0  
GA: <3  


tentacleTherapist [TT] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: Terezi I Have To Go  
GA: The Crepes Are Waiting  
GC: BY3 K4N4Y4   
GC: M4K3 SUR3 M1NE 4R3 WR4PP3D 1N TH4T D3L1C1OUS BUTCH3R P4P3R   
GA: Have You Ever Considered That You May Have Pica Or Some Similar Condition   
GC: NO. NOW GO BUY THOS3 CR3P3S GOD4MM1T   
GC: >:]   


gallowsCalibrator [GC] stopped pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA] 

You buy the shit out of those crepes. 

~ 

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

AG: Just a heads up, John and I should 8e there in a8out an hour.  
AG: Look forward to hosting us 8efore John and Terezi devolve into sexy het8ro makeouts.  
GA: So You Are Jealous Then  
AG: Of the two of them????????  
AG: What is there to be jealous of! They’ve never even met!!!!!!!!  
GA: Is It That They Are Your Best Friends And You Are Worried They Will Drift Away From You Or Is It A Romantic Kind Of Jealousy  
AG: It’s 8oth of those things!  
AG: UGH! I don’t know why, but something a8out you always compels me to tell the truth!!!!!!!!  
GA: Its The Meddling and Fussing  
AG: Oh, can it!  
GA: Oh Good I Was Worried Something About You Had Changed But That Phrase Has Reassured Me  
GA: It Is Some Kind Of Universal Vriska Constant  
GA: Anyway Here Is My Advice  
AG: I never asked for 8dvice!!!!!!!!  
GA: No But You Must Have Known I Would Give It   
GA: You Know I Cannot Help Myself   
AG: Fine, I’ll 8ite. What’s your """"advice"""", Ms.Fussyfangs???????  
GA: Talk To Them  
GA: Wow! That was a8out as helpful as I expected it to 8e!  
AG: Why didn’t I ever think of that! Not like literally every happily coupled person who ever D8GNED to give a single ru8e like me dating advice said the exact same thing!!!!!!!!  
GA: You Are Overreacting  
AG: YEAH! I am!!!!!!!!  
AG: I’m overreacting so much that I’m going to leave. BYE, KANAYA!  
GA: Goodbye  
GA: I Hope Things Work Out  
AG: ME TOO!!!!!!!!  


arachnidsGrip [AG] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

Wow, the chapter’s not even over and you’re already switching perspective!! This is the ritz. Better savor this narrative luxury while it lasts. 

Your name is John Egbert, and- Jesus, we need to stop doing this every time. Your name is John Egbert and you’re about to pull up at the Maryam residence.  
Except first you need to settle something. You put the car into park a couple yards away and meet Vriska’s expectant gaze.  


“Hey, Vriska,” you say, and feel that by this point in the trip it is already your catchphrase. “Let’s talk about it.” You sound like your dad, or Dirk, maybe, but that’s okay. This conversation needs to happen.  
“Hey.” Vriska says, and it’s always funny how you can tell that if this were a typed conversation she would have inserted her stupid quirk even though it makes no sense. And then she takes a breath, like she’s really going to get into it.  
“Do you think it would work,” she says, instead, and you so rarely hear her unsure. You’ve heard her angry and furious and happy and fierce with love, but not like this.  
“Will what work,” you ask, because she’s not being especially clear.  
“You and me and Terezi,” she says.  
“Maybe,” and you shrug a little harshly. “It’s Terezi’s decision, not ours.”  


(And you have wondered, some other time, why it is Terezi who makes the decisions, why it is Vriska and Not-Vriska, why it feels like it is your job to change that.)  
Your relationship with Vriska is a strange one. It is not so romantic as it is a simple kind of intimate that you have never felt with anyone before. This is why you reach across the seat and hug her. She stiffens a little, but she wraps her arms around you and it is suddenly clear that you’ve been stupid.  


“C’mon,” you say into her hair, which curls thick and dark against your face and smells like grease and deodorant.  
She snorts into your neck and calls you a loser but you both walk in with the assurance of the other’s friendship hovering sweet and constant above you.  


~ 

You’re mobbed pretty much as soon as you walk in the door. Kanaya opens it when you knock, smiling, and then it is a flurry of greetings and talk and meetings long anticipated. 

You’re carrying tension in your shoulders about the thought of meeting Terezi For Real, but your dour illusion is shattered when she walks up to Vriska and kisses her on the cheek like she’s french, or something.  
“Vriska!” She shouts, smiling wickedly, and wow she’s loud. Her accent is a lot more noticeable in person. “You’re here!”  
“Terezi!!!” Vriska says, and spins her around like they’re the love interests in a shitty romcom. There’s a lot of cackling and yelling and Terezi maybe sort of elbows Vriska in the face, but she doesn’t even flinch. God, they’re so familiar.  


Vriska puts Terezi down and Terezi turns and immediately beelines right to you.  
“John!” She says, the same way she said Vriska’s name, loud and delighted. She walks up to you, puts her hand on your shoulders, and actually licks your face. She wrinkles her nose a little. “You taste like sweat.” What the fuck.  
“What the fuck!” You sound appropriately indignant, you think. “Terezi!” Your face is slimy. You’re blushing.  
She laughs.  
It comes on suddenly, the urge to be close to her, and you lean down to pull her to you for a completely awkward first-meeting hug. God, none of this is going to plan.  
“You can’t just lick people,” You say, into her shoulder.  
“I think you’ll find I can,” She says.  


Karkat clears his throat behind you, and you let go of Terezi.  
You almost say his name, but so far it’s been a lot of name-saying and not much else.  
“Hi,” you manage.  
“Hi, John,” he says. “I assume Terezi is not the sole passenger on this awkward-as-fuck hug train we seem to be forming, here?”  
“God,” you laugh. “You sound literally just like Dave. C’mere,”  
“Don’t compare me to that asshole again, fuckface,” he says. He’s even shorter than Terezi.  


Karkat gives really great hugs, actually, and you would know because he’s the third person you’ve hugged in a period of about five minutes. He’s not pointy, like Vriska, and he puts his all into it. It’s a very warm experience, especially since it’s summer in New Mexico.  


Kanaya is totally different. She’s actually a little quieter than you expected of her, and you’re surprised when she hugs you, too. She’s tall, and the fabric of her shirt is soft against your cheek. You think that she is absolutely perfect for Rose in basically every way. You tell her this and she flushes charmingly.  
“Thank you,” she manages , and then, more quietly, “I only hope she feels the same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long! It was supposed to come out on 4/13 and then school happened (as it does). Anyway, I hope you like it and let me know if you notice anything!


	5. Let's take this train to smoochville

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took awhile but I'd like to think it's worth it. ;)

As much as you’d like to be Terezi and cut to the heart of all this juicy romantic drama, your name is Karkat Vantas.  
You’ve just finished eating your second dinner at Kanaya’s. The house is full of some of your favorite people in the world.  


You’re not paying attention to those people, though. You’re messaging Rose Lalonde. She actually also makes the list of favorite people, but that’s irrelevant, because she’s not here and you’re messaging her anyway.

TT: I’m honestly not sure how to approach the whole situation.  
TT: It’s not that I don’t feel something there.  
TT: Or that I think Kanaya’s going to pick her over me or anything. I’m not a lady scorned.  
TT: I just can’t shake the idea that somebody’s feelings are going to get hurt.  
CG: YOU CAN’T SHAKE THE IDEA THAT *JADE’S* FEELINGS ARE GOING TO GET HURT.  
CG: AM I RIGHT?  
TT: ...  
TT: You are.  
CG: IF IT HELPS, I THINK YOUR INSTINCTS ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.  
CG: JADE IS PERFECTLY POSITIONED TO BE HURT BY YOU.  
CG: BUT SHE WILL ALSO BE HURT IF YOU PRETEND NOTHING’S THERE.  
TT: She’ll understand.  
CG: OF COURSE SHE WILL. SHE THINKS LONELINESS IS HER INEVITABILITY.  
TTT: Ouch.  
CG: IF ANYBODY CAN PULL IT OFF, IT’S PROBABLY YOU AND KANAYA.  
CG: DON’T EVEN FUCKING *ASK* ME WHAT IS GOING ON WITH JOHN, TEREZI AND VRISKA.  
TT: Of course, now that you’ve brought it up, I can’t help but ask. Your flippance betrays a greater investment- one that you are clearly eagerly awaiting the invitation to gossip about.  
TT: And you say you hate mind games.   
CG: DON’T YOU TRY AND PUT THAT SHIT ON ME.  
CG: ANY MIND GAMES YOU SEE HERE ARE ALL YOU.  
TT: I have elected to take that as a particularly flattering compliment. Thank you, Karkat.  
TT: Anyway.  
TT: What is going on with John, Terezi, and Vriska?  
CG: I WASN’T BEING FACETIOUS WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T TOTALLY FUCKING KNOW.  
CG: BUT I THINK IT’S LIKE THIS.  
TT: About to get some romantic predictions from the master himself, I see. Somewhere, a drum is being pounded in furious anticipation.  
CG: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM THE ROMANTIC MASTER.  
CG: NICE INNUENDO, BY THE WAY. IT REALLY ADDED AN ATMOSPHERE OF UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUALITY TO THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION WHICH WOULD ALMOST BE APPROPRIATE IF IT DIDN’T MAKE ME WANT TO SWALLOW MY OWN FUCKING TONGUE.  
TT: Get to the juicy bits, Karkat. We both know I can’t handle this kind of antici-  
TT:---  
CG: PATION. FUCK YOU.   
TT: I knew you liked rocky after all.  
CG: NO I FUCKING DIDN’T, I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT IT BEING FULL OF SWEATY THIRTY YEAR OLDS. EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW THE WORD ANTICIPATION ENDS. THAT’S NOT A REFERENCE UNLESS YOU HAVE THAT MOVIE SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR BRAIN LINGERIE-CLAD TIM CURRY IS LEAKING OUT OF YOUR EARS.  
CG: *ANYWAY* SINCE IT’S CLEAR WE’RE NOT NATURALLY GOING TO GET HERE UNLESS I JUST START TALKING ABOUT IT.  
CG: JOHN AND VRISKA BOTH LIKE TEREZI, AND TEREZI LIKES BOTH OF THEM.  
CG: I’M NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON WITH JOHN AND VRISKA, THOUGH?  
CG: THEY’RE DEFINITELY CLOSE.  
TT: Not to demean the romance master, but I don’t get the impression that the two of them are like that.  
CG: THEY AREN’T?  
CG: OR AT LEAST I DON’T THINK SO.  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE I WOULD SUFFER VRISKA’S INCREDIBLY GRATING PRESENCE FOR A SECOND LONGER THAN STRICTLY FUCKING NECESSARY TO FIND OUT.  
CG: TALKING TO HER FEELS LIKE STICKING MY HEAD IN A BLENDER.  
CG: LIKE FUCK! THAT BLENDER IS REALLY JUST LACERATING MY BRAIN TO BITS. I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF A REBUTTAL FOR ITS CEASELESS ABRASIVENESS OTHER THAN PAINED SCREAMING BECAUSE IT’S REALLY JUST GRINDING THAT FUCKED HARD.  
CG: SORRY, THAT METAPHOR GOT AWAY FROM ME.  
TT: I’ve always loved your extended metaphors, but I hypothesize they’ve gotten even more disorganized since you befriended Dave.   
TT: Because you befriended Dave. I apologize for suggesting some other variable could be responsible.  
CG: FUCK YOU FOR EVEN SUGGESTING THAT.  


Speak of the fucking Devil. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TG: sup dude  
TG: how is it over there with like  
TG: a little over half The Gang  
TG: not that we dont have other friends who arent coming on our magical roadtrip adventure but you get my point  
TG: i didnt mean to exlude tavros or and feforee or whatever theyre called in europe   
TG: oh and that one asshole who kept awkwardly hitting on rose  
TG: eridan   
TG: isnt eridan an asshole   
TG: bro i know you cant resist the opportunity to dunk on eridan   
TG: karkat   
TG: karkat   
CG: HI, DAVE.  
CG: I’M NOT GOING TO SHITTALK ERIDAN WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, HOLY FUCK.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
TG: you cant just spring that kinda question on a guy   
TG: but dont worried i always come prepared for this shit  
TG: i can go into excruciating detail about my white picket fence, my brunette wife, and the 2.5 kids we are going to have the fuck out of  
TG: ill name one of them karkat just for you  
TG: <3  
CG: OKAY SO CLEARLY YOU JUST WANT TO SHOOT THE SHIT.  
CG: OR READ YOURSELF TYPE AND WATCH AS I STRUGGLE TO RESPOND TO YOUR INCOHERENT DRIVEL.  
CG: AND I ALMOST RESPECT THAT.  
CG: BUT ALSO, I’M KIND OF WITH MORE OF MY FRIENDS IN ONE PLACE THAN EVER IN MY FUCKING LIFE.  
CG: SO UH  
CG: MAYBE AFTER THE DOLOROSA HERDS US ALL TO BED WE CAN CHAT?  
TG: hot im into it  
TG: also uh i did actually want to talk to you about something i wasnt just being annoying like i usually am  
TG: not that im ashamed of being annoying most of the time that shits charming as fuck  
TG: probably  
CG: *LE SIGN*  
TG: are we roleplaying now  
CG: NO, DAVE. WE ARE NOT ROLEPLAYING RIGHT NOW.  
CG: WHAT IS IT?  
CG: YOU’RE BEING WEIRDLY AVOIDANT, EVEN FOR YOU.  
TG: yeah i am  
TG: youre right we should talk about this later  
CG: I’LL MESSAGE YOU. IF YOU’RE ASLEEP BY THEN I CAN JUST PUSH DOWN MY OVERWHELMING CAR SICKNESS TO MESSAGE YOU ON THE TRIP THERE.  
TG: aww   
TG: dont do that we both know how little data you have left   
CG: MY FRIENDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY DATA.  
TG: dude what the fuck that is so sweet  
TG: anyway bye   
CG: GOODBYE, DAVE.  


turntechGodhead [TG]ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Oh shit. It looks like you left Rose hanging so long she disconnected. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

CG: SORRY ABOUT THAT. I HAVE TO GO NOW ANYWAY BUT I KNOW YOU HATE BEING LEFT ON SENT.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


You pocket your phone just in time to notice John standing sheepishly in front of you. You’d been hiding out in the kitchen to avoid being pestered (ha fucking ha) for being on your phone.  
“Karkat,” John says. You wonder what emotional counseling he needs (Because why else would John corner you in the Maryam’s stylish kitchen, missing the shitty movie you know the others are watching?). Probably Terezi stuff.  
“John.” You say back. Confrontation at high noon, here. Who draws first? You, obviously. You cannot keep your incorrigible windsack shut when it comes to shit like this.  
“What’s up?” Great, cool. You’re being a good friend, Karkat. You are definitely just as good at this in person as you are online.  
John rubs the back of his neck like an anime character, and you realize you don’t actually know any of his in-person mannerisms yet. Maybe he does the anime neck rub all the time. What a dork. When is he going to say something?  


Suddenly, you’re John Egbert, and you still don’t know how you feel, even now that you’re you. You need to say something.  
“I need some romantic advice, Karkat.” You’re not fucking joking when you say his eyes twinkle. His eyebrows draw up slowly, triumphant, and a smile spreads across his face. Jesus, dude, he doesn’t have to be so fucking happy about your suffering.  
“Of course you do, Egbert,” he says, and begins threading the disparate pieces of his monologue together in front of your very eyes. “This is about Terezi and Vriska, and no, you don’t have to respond, because I know the answer is yes.”  
You push gently on his shoulder to slide him to the right and get to the cabinet behind him. He moves easily. You grab a wide-mouthed mason jar and shove it under the tap.  
“Yeah,” you say, because even though he said right there in the sentence that you didn’t need to reply, he hasn’t continued.  
“Well?” He prompts.  
“One sec,” you say, and gesture towards your full mason jar.  


You drink the water in sharp gulps. It runs in sharp rivulets down your face. The collar of your shirt spots with water. When you lift the jar from your lips, you gasp for air, find it, and straighten yourself.  
“Jesus, John,” Karkat says, and does not joke about your ‘drinking problem’ like you thought he might. “Don’t fucking drown.”  
“I need some romantic advice, Karkat.”  


~

You’re tucked into your sleeping bag, awake, when your phone dings. Repeatedly. You look over at Karkat, but he just snuffles into his pillow.  
It’s Terezi.  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

GC: H3Y 3GB3RT   
GC: ROOF, NOW.  
GC: COM3 4LON3   
GC: >;]  
EB: what about vriska?  
GC: 4WW TH4TS SW33T   
GC: DONT WORRY THOUGH I 4LR34DY T4LK3D TO H3R   
EB: okay, cool.  
GC: 4NYW4Y, G3T UP H3R3   
GC: YOU SHOULD B3 4BL3 TO G3T UP THROUGH TH3 W1NDOW   
GC: 4S LONG 4S YOU C4N 4VO1D W4K1NG K4RKL3S   
EB: okay, i opened the window and karkat is still asleep.  
EB: blessed be his soul, hehe.  
GC: D1D 1 S4Y 1 W4NT3D UPD4T3S JOHN   
GC: >:/  
EB: nope!  
EB: but it would be pretty shitty if i fell off the roof and nobody found me until i bled out or something!  
GC: DONT WORRY JOHN  
GC: 1 WOULD HE4R YOUR BODY H1T TH3 GROUND >:]  
EB: wow, and what great help you would be!  
EB: you’d draw chalk lines and then let me bleed out so you could solve my murder.  
EB: the secret twist being that the killer was obviously you all along!  
GC: 1F 1 4M 4PP4R3NTLY GO1NG TO L3T YOU BL33D OUT 4NYW4Y WH4T 1S 3V3N TH3 PO1NT OF M3SS4G1NG M3 TH3N???  
EB: ssshhhhhh!  
EB: maybe i just want your passive aggressive messages to be the last thing i read before i die.   
EB: oh hey, i see you!  
GC: 1 DONT S33 YOU   
GC: >;]  
GC: G3T 1T   
EB: shit!  
GC: OH MY GOD DONT 4CTU4LLY F4LL   
EB: haha, i’m fine, i just slipped a little.  
EB: were you WORRIED about me??  


You see Terezi put her away her phone.  
“Get over here, John.” She doesn’t turn, but you can tell she knows exactly where you are.  
You scuttle across Kanaya’s shingles to sit down next to her.  
“Hey,” you say. Somehow, it’s chilly out despite the heat of the day, and she radiates a soft warmth.  
“I’m glad you didn’t fall off the roof,” she says, turning towards you. “Really.”  
“Oh,” you say, flushing. Her hair curls pleasantly behind her ears, and she’s tucked her glasses into the collar of her shirt. Her pupils are wide and dark and you see in them reflections of the stars.  


“You’re blushing.” And she’s so conversational about it.  
“Of course I am,” you mumble, steeling yourself. “I’m looking at the stars with a pretty girl.”  
She barks a laugh at that, head tossing back with humor.  
“Did you learn that from a movie?” She asks.  
“The movie was right,” you say, “It worked.”  
“Nah,” she says, and scoots a little closer to you. “I actually hated it.”  
“Really?”  
“Really,” she puts her hand on your jaw. “Your delivery was cute, though.”  
Your heartbeat speeds, dizzily. You lean into her palm.  


“Oh,” you say again. “I like you a lot.” It’s hard to be snarky when she’s leaning in like that, you think. Your hand finds her waist.  
“I know,” she says, and kisses you.  
Her lips are chapped, and her other hand winds through your hair. She smells a little like playdoh. It’s really nice.  


You pull back. “One sec.” you say, and hold up a finger.  
“Oh my god, John,” she says, flatly. “What is it.”  
You pull out your chapstick and apply it heavily. “Your lips were chapped!”  
She rolls her eyes, but you pocket the chapstick and she smiles as you kiss her.  
Into your mouth, she mumbles, “Your chapstick is tasty.” Hell fucking yes it is.  
“It’s wild cherry,” you say, and she pushes you back into the hard shingles of the roof.  


Later, in your sleeping bag, you wonder when you’ll find the space from your friends to kiss her again. You dream, blessedly, of nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I actually got the vapors like a southern belle while writing that kissing scene.   
> Also, sorry this chapter took so long! My mental health hasn't been amazing so it took longer to assemble the Energy to work on this chapter, but I promise i have no intent to abandon this fic.  
> Concrit is appreciated, and if you see any grammar/formatting issues feel free to let me know!


End file.
